The days of forcing outcomes are over. 

Being with what is, while staying open to all the possibilities of something even grander, is what’s present in this moment of my life.

I seem to be moving through another initiatory layer of acceptance without collapse.

In my system, collapse looks like numbing, bypassing pain, withdrawing from community, pessimism, living in fantasy, and becoming a dead fish in the stream. I can convince myself I am in the flow, but really I have given my life force energy to outside forces.

Collapse looks like shutting myself down, closing off to bodily sensations, and armoring up against everything and everyone—including myself. My wounded system begins to look for the villan, something she can pour her energy into that will distract her from the pain. It's also about assigning the responsibility to others, for whether I am okay or not.

The outcome I am looking for is the one that little "i" thinks is best.

Little "i" is the part of me that never wants to feel discomfort or pain. She always wants to feel “good.” Little "i" is forever seeking to control her outcomes, so she wants never to be out of her preferences. She is constantly protecting herself from life’s disappointments, in essence, she is just trying to survive.

Little "i" is not able to consider or see the multiple parts of ourselves creating our lives, and all-ways it is for our benefit. In all-ways, there is a greater part of ourselves—the big "I"—that is guiding us toward alignment.

Forcing an outcome is never in alignment, AND the experience of forcing an outcome is very much IN alignment with the truth of my journey, which is surrender, love, and acceptance.

Coming back around to my current initiation, as my ancient teacher would say, “Initiation, by the very nature of the word, implies unsafe.” This means surrendering to that which we have no control over. It means surrendering to experiences and outcomes that cannot be controlled, while simultaneously holding loving thoughts, being the love that we are, and knowing the wider, big "I", is holding us.

To be in acceptance, I can’t be collapsed. It’s impossible.

I can feel the desire to live a surrendered life and one of acceptance, in the truest form that I can hold.

Being able to hold and accept what is here, and wait for the inner North Star to appear—then follow that star and be in the ever-evolving unfolding of this adventure called my life—is truth.

Not always easy, not always "safe," but in all-ways, perfection.

~Chonteau